THE LONG DIFFICULT JOURNEY

In past blogs, I have shared that I struggle with bipolar disorder. I experience both highs and lows. Recently, I fell into a deep depression that, at one point, I thought I would never recover from. I am going to share my journey through a very dark time. I do this to help those who do not understand severe depression and to show those who need to see that there is hope!

I knew the depression was coming. I could feel it. The world was losing its color. I was staying in bed longer and begrudgingly attending events I once looked forward to. I was also easily agitated, isolating myself, and spending time watching TV. I couldn't identify any triggers. I thought the depression would pass and I would be myself again.

That wasn’t true; as the days went on, I grew more depressed!

As my depression grew, I began having bizarre thoughts. I thought about harming myself or dying. I have never wanted to hurt myself by cutting, pulling out my hair, or walking in front of a moving vehicle. I do have a history of attempting suicide. I would overdose on OTC medications and some of my prescription medications. After I lost my son, I felt there was no reason to go on, so I wanted to die.

This time was different. There wasn’t any incident that caused my depression; I just struggled. For months, I struggled with these feelings and thoughts.

I didn’t get help until I realized I was in trouble. I thought I could handle it myself. In some ways, I was successful, but in many others, I continued to sink into the darkness.

It took a while, but I realized I needed help. I thought my medications were causing my depression, so I made an appointment with my psychiatrist. Unfortunately, she had retired. I saw a new psychiatrist; he did not listen.

On a Sunday, I went to the Emergency Department at Kaiser. I spoke with a social worker and made a safety plan. I was enrolled to start IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) on Monday. She saw that a few of my friends were part of my safety plan, and she called the one who was holding my medications to confirm she agreed with it. She also asked her many other questions. The social worker allowed me to go home because I was starting IOP the next day and had a strong support system.

On Monday, I went to IOP, and the stories were so intense that they affected me. I knew I really didn’t want to die, but that was all I was thinking about. I decided to seriously reach out for help and be totally honest. That night, I called 988 (Suicide Hotline) and talked with someone. They asked what my distraction coping skills were, and I told him I liked movies. We went through some of the movies I stream and decided to watch Mamma Mia. I watched it, but it didn’t help. My friend told me I could call any time. At 1:30 in the morning, I called her. We talked for a while, and she prayed for me. I finally fell asleep. The next morning, I knew I needed to call 911 and get the help I needed. For those of you who know me, I am involved in the community and have responsibilities. So I went to a meeting and worked at registration. When I got home, I immediately called 911.

I live on a county island, so a Deputy Sheriff came to my house and talked to me for a while. He called a mental health professional to assess me. After they both had talked to me, they called an ambulance and had me taken to Kaiser on a voluntary basis.

I spoke with the doctor who placed me on a 24-hour hold and a social worker who placed me on a 5150 (72-hour hold). At that point, I had to wait for placement in a psychiatric hospital. I grew very frustrated because no hospital would accept me. I was told I was difficult to place because of my medical issues. After 26 hours, I was finally placed in a hospital in Stockton.

I was placed on the general psych unit. All that happened there was watching TV, napping, and coloring (until all the supplies were taken away because a patient was inappropriate with them). I did have a psychiatrist who adjusted my medications. The most exciting thing that happened was getting my hair cut by a mental health professional.

I spent 9 days there and was finally released.

You may be thinking, Yay, she’s better. That thought is far from the truth.

When I first came home, I was excited to be there. I could smile, get things done, and work with other people. That lasted about two weeks. Then I felt the dark cloud surrounding me, and I am once again struggling. 

Fortunately, this time is different. I do not have suicidal thoughts; I just don’t want to do anything, talk with people, or smile. In IOP, I have learned coping skills to prevent suicide attempts, get through difficult times, and bring me back to reality.

I am thankful for all my friends who have been walking with me through this difficult time. They have been there to listen, to pray, and to sit with me.

What you can do if you are feeling suicidal

·      Call someone you can be honest with

·      If things continue to get worse, call 988 (The National Suicide Hotline) or call 911.

·      Call 911 for help!

·      Be honest. It doesn’t help to reach out for help if you are not going to be honest.

What can you do as a friend of someone who is suicidal

·      LISTEN and do not show any judgment

·      Spend time with them

·      Encourage them to get out of the house

·      Take them to the hospital if you think they are serious

·      If they will not go to the ED (emergency department), call for a welfare check. You would have the police check on them

·      No matter what happens, it is NOT your fault.

o   They may get mad at you

o   They may avoid you

o   They may attempt suicide

o   They may complete a suicide action

All that said, it is hard to be a friend to someone experiencing depression. Please don’t give up! I would not be here today if I hadn’t had friends who care.